Productive Arguing

Couples need to argue. A thriving relationship requires a lively exchange of ideas. One purpose of a life-long relationship is to help each other become better individuals. This evolution happens through an ongoing cross-fertilization of ideas, feelings and moral considerations the couple faces, together or separately.

But change is painful and often requires a spark to precipitate the action. One wants to move for career, the other to be close to family: equally powerful feelings and righteous authority exist on either side. It is difficult but necessary to trudge through the passions to arrive at a solution in which each will have some but not all of what is most desired in order for the true prize to materialize: a growing, thriving couple-hood.

If a couple accepts this foundation, they will find it easier to follow the basic rules of productive arguing.

First, eliminate bad habits.

Do Not   Call names

Do Not   Curse

Do Not   Use sarcasm

Do Not   Refer to past incidents

Do Not   Refer to personality characteristics

Do Not   Blame the problem on the other

Do Not   Interpret the other’s behavior

Do Not   Prepare your rebuttal while the other is speaking.  Instead, concentrate on listening

Next, develop good habits.

Do:

                Remain respectful.

                Use “I” statements:  “I feel  [specific feeling]   when you  [specific behavior] “

                Take a Time Out if you are about to use one of the “Do Not” methods above.

                Allow the other a Time Out if called—say how long, eg. “l need an hour (or a day, or ten minutes) to think.”

                During the Time Out, put yourself in the other’s shoes and try to experience the issue from the other side.

                Agree when to resume the discussion – schedule it in, if you are busy.

                Remember that if you feel unheard, you are probably not listening.

                Accept the other’s feelings, even if the behavior angers you.

                Try to state the other’s view in your own words.  If the other says you are mistaken, ask for clarification, and keep trying until you can say exactly what is meant by him or her, in different words.

                Appreciate out loud any attempt on the other’s part to resolve the dispute.

                Apologize for any mistakes you have made.

                Express regret for any feelings you have hurt.

            Hang these rules on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror and refer to them often as you think about how to broach a difficult subject. You will both benefit from the increased strength of your union, as you find ways to approach your personal goals.          

Remember: the most painful changes are often the ones that provide the greatest opportunity for personal growth.

Nancy Duff-Boehm, Ph.D.