How to Discipline Kids
What is the point of disciplining children? Are we trying to hurt them, shame them, or diminish them? Are we trying to break their drive for uniqueness, turning them into submissive robots? Of course not.
On the other hand, by sparing all discipline, we are setting them up for life-long devastating consequences. Just consider the notorious Affluenza case in the newsa few years ago. It is just common sense that this teen, who killed four people by driving drunk, should be held accountable for his actions. It is too bad that his parents didn’t teach him that as a child, because now the lesson is out of his parents’ hands. The mission of juvenile courts is to make every case an opportunity for teenagers to learn that their grown-up actions have grown-up consequences; however, in this case the initial decision simply let him off the hook, as his parents had always done. Now the adult legal system will decide his fate.
So what are we trying to do? Our ultimate goal is to usher children into becoming responsible adults, capable of making thoughtful decisions about what to do that will most likely turn out best for themselves as well as others. We want them to make their decisions not just to avoid the threat of punishment. Children and teens must learn and understand what will work best in the end and what won’t. This is a lesson learned a step at a time, day by day, a decision at a time. Moreover, we want to impart the sense that if things turn out badly, most mistakes can be corrected, if honestly acknowledged. We expect mistakes as humans, and we use them to learn. The first step in this process is self-control, and this is the first goal of child discipline.
To learn self-control, the child must have the chance to the change behavior that is undesirable. The best strategy is quick and clear information, two chances to change course, immediate and brief consequence, and consistent, predictable application of the procedure. The best training of this procedure for parents of which I am aware is that of Thomas Phelan, Ph.D.: 1-2-3 Magic. In books and videos Dr. Phelan describes with clarity and humor how to administer his program most effectively, and that is with immediate response to every single targeted offense (pick one offending behavior at a time, though).
Briefly, here is an example of how it works. Your eight-year-old daughter asks for a Popsicle a half hour before dinnertime, so you say, “No, Dear, it is too close to dinnertime.” She asks again, and you reply, “That’s one.” Once she is accustomed to this procedure applied consistently, that will be the end of it, but if she does ask again, you say, “That’s two.” You have given her two chances to change course, and most children, after they know what happens next, will stop by this point. If not, though, and she asks (or whines) again, your response is simply, “That’s three, take five.” She is then sent to a quiet space away from where she is now, where she will spend the following five minutes doing something quiet. (The five minutes don’t start until she is quiet.)
This is not a hurtful or scary place, or even necessarily a boring space. She could play with a toy, color, do a craft, in a bedroom or other space where there is five minutes of quiet. After this time-out, she is free to return to where she was, although she may stay where she is if she so prefers. The consequence is simply a break in the current action. Administering this consequence 20 times in a day will not damage her self-esteem or generate stores of pent-up anger, as many other forms of discipline will. It will not teach that the way to get your way is by raising your voice or by applying aggressive pressure. Instead, it will convey that you, her parent, have complete confidence that, given the opportunity, she can control her own behavior, using her own internal controls, if you just remind her that a certain behavior is unacceptable.
The most difficult part of this method is starting it. If a child is used to your ignoring her whines and then finally relenting after her fifth to tenth demand, that child has been trained to keep on going until you give in. Kids are smart, though, so if you explain in advance what the new procedure is, the training will be that much easier. At times the protest is so strong that more drastic measures are required to get the process going; for these I refer you to Dr. Phelan’s videos. The benefits on the other side of this hump are well worth the effort.
One more caveat: If the child is under five years old, the time out should last only as many minutes as the years the child has lived, for instance, two minutes for a two-year-old.
The most important reward for this form of discipline? The increased self-esteem that grows in the child as she is experiencing her own ability to control and redirect her impulsive energy. Furthermore, she experiences first hand that her behavior matters to her parents, whose attention matters to her most of all. She will learn that it is worth her while to pay attention to you.
Nancy Duff-Boehm, Ph.D.